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Earliest Memories

39 months, Nessness

I wonder what, if anything, Nessness will remember from this period of her life. One of my earliest memories was of trying to find my toy and I was looking in a closet. I can still recall the frustrating feeling in my brain of not being able to recall where I put that toy and how I kept looking and looking. I don’t remember what toy it was though. Another one was of being on my parent’s bed in the evening. I remember the glow of a light above me as I sprawled on my belly. I was probably around three or four.

Nessness mixes up her time periods. She’ll refer to “this morning before nap” as “yesterday”. She’ll also refer to various events in the past as “today” or “yesterday”. But she remembers the event. She recognizes the boardwalk in Steveston that she and her cousin played along when they visited in April. She remembers random places that she’s hidden away a hair elastic when I ask her to grab one. She remembers what she’s tucked away in her plastic Easter eggs and lined up in order on her shelf. She remembers her nanny from a year ago as well as what they played together that one time. She totally remembers if I said I’d take her to the park and failed to do so.

One time I dismantled the gingerbread house she and Daddy built this past Christmas, and put all the pieces in a ziploc bag on the counter. She saw it, went up to the counter, pointed and said, “Who took apart my gingerbread man house?” I replied, “I did.” She furrowed her brows, “I’m not happy. I build this with baba.” I apologized. And then EVERY DAY for a MONTH she’d point to the ziplocked gingerbread house and say, “Who took apart my gingerbread man house? Mommy. I’m not happy about this. I build with baba.” Even after I threw away the stale leftovers, she’d point to that spot on the counter where I last had it. I bet this Christmas she’ll remind me of the time I threw away her gingerbread man house.

I hope she forgets my mommy fails though. The times when I should’ve been more understanding instead of being frustrated with her toddlerness. I’m counting on childhood amnesia to take care of that. I hope to create more times when she’s laughing instead of when she’s upset so she can, if she does, think back and remember there was happiness.

What’s your earliest memory?

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Words on repeat

39 months, Nessness

“Turn on the music!”
“Didi (little brother) is awake, make music louder!”
“Give me a fork!” (or whatever utensil I didn’t already give her)
“I want see!”
“No”
“I don’t want to”
“I do it”
“It’s okay”
“Stop talking. I not listening”
“Don’t do that”

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I Love…

12 months, Obiwan

  • your big big smiles and mostly toothless grins
  • your hearty laugh
  • that you’re ticklish
  • the way you climb onto me to look at my face
  • how cute your crawl is
  • your meaty hands and feet
  • how you love to eat and will yell for more food, faster
  • the way you sign for more food or sign “all done”
  • your baby talk, I think you can almost say “nai nai” (milk)
  • your focus and determination when you have your eyes set on something
  • how you enjoy making music on the xylophone, piano, and anything else you can hit together
  • the way you converse in grunts and baby babble
  • how you still snuggle, albeit for briefer periods of time than before

Happy FIRST Birthday little man!
We love you!

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Got my answer

I was mulling and wrestling with whether or not to go back to work. Last Friday, I received my answer. From the end of March until last week I hadn’t received any sort of reply from my manager, director or the HR coordinator for my department. And then I received an email to phone in regarding my employment at the Company. It felt ominous.

Well, in short, I got laid off. In part because policy changes no longer allow for remote workers, and because there really wasn’t much left for me to do. Even before going on this mat leave, 85% of my work was getting automated. Which is why I asked for part time, but I guess it’s cheaper to give the little I had left to someone already there.

It feels…..weird…for lack of a better word, to have this decision made for me. As I mull over it however, I realize it’s a gracious answer to prayer. It’s a clear answer. And, because this comes with a severance package, I’m getting much more than I would’ve if I made a decision to resign. It’s bittersweet though. Last Friday was also my 12th work anniversary date with the Company. I even received a card congratulating me on my years of service from the CIO. Haha. I’ve come full circle. Twelve years is a good run.

What’s next? Not sure yet. It’s a whole new chapter.

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Dang it Graves. Hello again.

I’m almost 10.5 months postpartum, my cycle is back and I thought I’d check on the thyroid since my body is nearing pre-pregnancy normal. Well, the TSH levels tell me I’m hyperthyroid again. D@mn. I’m not feeling symptomatic yet, so perhaps it’s still early stages of relapse. Some symptoms I’d feel when full blown hyperthyroid include:

  • shortness of breath such that singing or conversation leaves me gasping for air
  • fast resting heart rate, above 90 bpm, and I can hear it pulsing in my head all day long
  • muscle weakness in arms and legs
  • rapid weight loss, like 14 lbs in a couple weeks
  • incredible hunger towards meal/snack times and a voracious appetite (I can out eat my husband)
  • trembling hands
  • insomnia

I still feel strongly about trying to manage this as naturally as possible (read: No radioactive iodine to permanently disable my thyroid). This hyperthyroid condition is a symptom of an autoimmune issue. While some treatment to manage the symptom may be necessary, the main focus is supporting and improving my immune system. When I had relapsed after having Nessness, my naturopath advised three main things to do to best support my immune system:

  1. Avoid dairy and wheat products (in addition to just eating less processed foods). These two things probably cause the most immune/inflammatory issues for most. While I don’t have anything that western medicine calls allergies, or even intolerance, to either of them, I know I develop dry itchy patches on my body when I start to regularly eat dairy (namely cheese and ice cream in my case).
  2. Sleep before 11pm and get at least 8 hours of sleep. Why the timing is important is because the body naturally starts to detox the liver from 11pm to 3am, so for immune support, my body best be resting and allowing this detoxification to happen. I count myself blessed that I can get 8hrs of sleep usually, but getting those hours starting at 11pm is HARD. As I type it’s already 1am.
  3. Exercise daily. For it to count I need elevated heart rate and be starting to break a sweat. Vacuuming or mopping will almost do this for me. This is probably the hardest item for me because I’m not naturally active and it’s hard enough to get downtime much less find time (and energy) to exert myself on purpose. This is important however because physical exertion gives stress a way out of the body.

I bet anyone who does these three things regularly will enjoy improved health. But it’s. So. Hard. To. Do. But I will try. And I will try hard before losing an organ (to RAI). I appreciate all prayers and positive thoughts! Thanks Friends.

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To work or not to work?

That is the question.

My first day back should be July 4th….American Independence Day. Not sure if that’s a sign I should actually break free from the yoke of employment (and daycare drop off/pick up schedules) to be the primary influencer and educator to my young children in these highly formative years.

Why do I want to go back?

For the pay…to maintain our comfort. Except after paying for childcare, I’d be netting what we spend on food each month. And we’d likely have to find two day cares since the only one near us that takes both Nessness and Obiwan’s age groups already told me before Obiwan was born that there’s no chance he’d get a spot. That’s TWO drop offs and pick ups to coordinate. So I’d be paying a lot of late fees. I bet someone will always be sick as well. I guess there isn’t a lot of comfort in that sense. Plus in the 12 hours that the children will be awake, I’d only see them for three of them. An hour and a half would be used in meals. Thirty minutes in driving. Leaving one hour of real “together time”. The thought makes me sad.

And also for the “work from home” job. It’s been a god-send and a very enviable position to have. Short of having a home business, it’s not likely I’ll find something like this again. But going back to work so I can say I work from home isn’t exactly logical either.

Then Ms PR sent me this article on “Ten bad reasons to get a job” and well, I don’t really have a reason to go back to work. If I found my job thoroughly fulfilling and enjoyable then I can justify returning…but that’s not my case…so why is it so hard to decide? Even though the author gives me permission not to work, there remains a nagging voice that a modern, university-educated woman like myself should continue to work. Am I just waiting for my husband to affirm my inclination to dedicate this time to raising our kids?

Meanwhile, I talked to my manager and requested returning on a part time basis. Historically no one’s gotten this before. He said he’ll take it to the Director and HR. Will see what happens. And I will cross that final work/no work bridge when I get there.

Did you go back to work? Why/why not?

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Nursing top hack

Maternity clothing stores make a killing. And your choices are limited. I never like to buy something I can only use for one season unless I really need it. I only bought 5 pregnancy tops (on sale) for my two pregnancies. Thyme Maternity sells nursing tops for $35+ and I thought I found a deal on Amazon for $18-$24 until I realized I can hack my own using clothes I already have.

If you use the nursing bras that have the front clips, as opposed to the pull-aside kinds, then you take any spaghetti strap tank top, pull it down to your belly without putting your arms through the straps, then loop the straps around the part of the bra that unclips, throw whatever shirt you want on top and Voila! nursing top! You can lift your shirt to feed without exposing your midsection to drafts or stares. And in my case, my tank is now long enough to hide how I still can’t button some of my pre-pregnancy pants, resorting to the elastic band trick or a belt to hold my unzippered pants up.

What other clothing hacks have you tried?