So that’s what it feels like

13 months old

That working mom guilt feeling.

Now that we have a nanny, I can concentrate on working up in my home office and not be “disturbed” two hours at a time throughout the day. But those times where she’d cruise up to me and snuggle her face into my thigh, leaving a big wet kiss mark on my pants as I worked in the kitchen, or come up to me, call out and sign “all done” to say she’s had enough walking by herself and wants mommy-time, or where she plays peek-a-boo with me between the kitchen chairs….those were not disturbances. Those were heart-melting, precious moments. (Okay I’m not exactly sure what that feels like…because I mostly feel just a warm fuzzy…but I imagine people would generally call those heart melting moments. They’re certainly precious.)

Now I emerge from my work day and feel torn at having to make dinner when she wants so much to play with me…and I her….but the practicality of it is that dinner must be made. She hangs onto my pants and cries as I chop veggies. She follows me back and forth from counter to stove to sink to counter and back to stove. Whining. Crying. She looks up at me with wet eyes, downturned lips, signing “all done” and “please” while reaching up her arms. GAH. I missed you all day too! But we need dinner! Even if we don’t eat, you still need dinner Baby Girl. And I haven’t gotten a slow-cooker meal planning system down so that dinner will be done by dinner time with minimal effort from me. And Daddy has a later shift today so he doesn’t have time to pick something up. And we’re trying to minimize your exposure to processed foods so there no frozen dinner to reheat. I know my stoic face doesn’t show it…but I’m teary-eyed and calling out to get snuggle time with you too. Except I know you’re actually not a very snuggly baby. So please hang tight. Oh wait…hang…you can hang off my back as I wear you in the Ergo carrier! Ok crisis averted. Dinner will be made. We will be together. It’s not exactly quality…but making do here.

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