Step of faith and then…

12 weeks

We stepped out in faith towards the vision of family we had and got pregnant right away! I was excited. I was nervous. But I was happy. We were having a third! And I know the drill. Stay on top of multivitamins. Healthy, clean diet. Exercise. Those 40 weeks were long but very short. I anticipated the morning sickness at week 7 which came like clockwork. The scent of meat, garlic and oil became disgusting to me. I dry heaved over every scent in my house; especially in the kitchen. It was worse than my first two but I was thankful to be keeping all my meals down. I couldn’t wait to tell the kids (after week 13). I expected by week 21 I’ll have gestational diabetes again. And I couldn’t wait for that first ultrasound to meet BB3.

It was scheduled at week 9.

“Hmm, the pregnancy appears a lot earlier than expected. You’re probably not as far along as you thought.”

My heart sank. The last time I heard that, we experienced loss. The ultrasound tech showed me a uterus with a yolk sac and no visible fetus on the screen, much less a heartbeat. But then she found a shadowy form that was barely visible and said the radiologist would go through everything and my doctor would fill me in on the report. Hubs and I went home with heavy hearts.

My doctor called and said the fetus measured the size of a 5 wk fetus. Heartbeats are not detectable before 6 weeks so another ultrasound was scheduled a week later. The whole week I dreaded the coming ultrasound. I wanted to pray for a heartbeat, but I didn’t want to get my hopes up. So I didn’t pray. I didn’t hope. I just waited.

At the ultrasound on week 10, the radiologist herself came into the room to tell me there was still no heartbeat so it confirms a failed pregnancy. She apologized for our loss and asked if there were any questions. I asked why I was still having morning sickness. She said my doctor will be able to answer that but the she could confirm that the pregnancy was nonviable. We drove away in silence.

But a minute later the phone rang. It was the radiologist. She said, “You know, there’s still no heartbeat but the fetus is slightly, and I mean slightly, bigger than last week. It measures 5.5 weeks in size and the heartbeat would still be undetectable so to be on the safe side I will recommend you come in for another scan next week. The timing doesn’t make any sense but you’re still feeling pregnant and I’ve seen a lot of strange things so let’s just confirm things then.” Hubs had renewed hope. And while my heart lifted, I really didn’t want to hope. God could do this miracle…I knew He could…but I didn’t know if He would for me. I didn’t expect it. I hoped. I didn’t hope. I didn’t pray because I didn’t know how to. It was a rollercoaster.

The ultrasound at week 11 was fast. The tech said, “No heartbeat and the fetus is the same size as last week. It’s probably a miscarriage. Sorry.” Rollercoaster end.

Good thing I didn’t hope, I told myself. But I felt crushed anyways.

My doctor called to confirm the diagnosis and referred me to the BC Women’s Early Pregnancy center where they will go over my options. She advised I request one more ultrasound for peace of mind.

At week 11 and 4 days, I requested that last ultrasound. The OBGYN doing the scan was fantastic, talking me through everything she was seeing and not seeing but should be. The pregnancy stopped at around week 5.5/6. Morning sickness continued because the placenta missed the memo regarding the halted pregnancy and kept producing the pregnancy hormone, hCG, which caused morning sickness. That last flicker of hope for a heartbeat was stilled. My options were to

1. Wait for the miscarriage to happen naturally,
2. Take misoprostol to induce the miscarriage, or
3. Do a D&C which meant having your uterus vacuumed.

I didn’t want to wait any more and didn’t want the more invasive route so I chose option 2 and got sent home with the pills, instructions and an empty heart.