I take a long time to process emotional things. In the two months after my second miscarriage I didn’t want to address what I was feeling. I didn’t want to put words to it. I just went through motions of each day with my thoughts simmering, sometimes boiling, in the background. I share some of them now:
Didn’t you give us the vision for a third? Why give and then take it away? Did you mean to break my heart? You created the universe with your words, could you not speak a tiny heart into beating? Why did you drag our hopes on when a miscarriage was imminent, when it could’ve ended at week 6 instead of prolonging to week 12? I barely allowed myself to hope that you would come through for me and I feel like you’ve betrayed the little hope I had. If you had miraculously preserved that little life at week 11 all the glory would’ve been yours, why bring grief instead? How is this the best plan for us exactly?
As much as I doubted God, I also trusted that He would handle me in a patient, merciful and gentle manner. Even if I was holding a grudge and refusing to talk to Him. A family member sent me this song early on and a lot of the lyrics resonated with me (she wrote this after a miscarriage as well)…except I couldn’t share her thoughts, “Thy will be done”.
I could say it the first time, I could accept His will, but I couldn’t this time. I didn’t really know why but I couldn’t get it out. I told God, “If that was Your will, then I don’t agree with it.” And left it at that. He could handle it. And He’ll handle me.
INTJ Mommy 