Another friend sent me this song and the lyrics were speaking to me again. Yes I was wrestling with God. I wasn’t sure if I would let Him go, but I was sure He wouldn’t be the one to let me go.
And there were parts where I struggled, “Are you good? Are you kind? Do you care for this heart of mine? Do you love me?”
The line “You know I believe, Help my unbelief” became a prayer for me.
As did the line, “Turn my lament into a love song“.
I didn’t know how He would answer, or when, but I expected He would. As my thoughts bounced around, I realized it came down to two things that I was doubting, God’s goodness and love. If He was good, if He loved me, why didn’t He answer my prayer for a heartbeat? Was He only good if He gave me what I asked for though? Was His love only shown by what He gives? And hasn’t He given me much? Much more than I deserve? A house and home with husband and two beautiful children, health, a full fridge and closet. I remembered visiting homes of some of the poorest in Ukraine who’ve seen much loss yet they were so joyful and generous in the very little they had. They rejoiced in God’s love and goodness in their lives. How could I say God wasn’t good or didn’t loved me in the abundance that I have? Did He love me more than those with less than me? Did He give more to those He loved more? No, God’s goodness and love is not dependent on what anyone receives or not. The answer was in the Giver, not the gifts.
But why did I still doubt His love for me? If I could know He loved me, then maybe I could trust His goodness despite my grief. I told God, “I want to know You love me.”
INTJ Mommy 