The man who penned this beautiful hymn, It Is Well With My Soul, is Horatio Spafford. His story is incredibly tragic. His business investments in real estate in Chicago was almost entirely lost in the great fire of Chicago. His two year old son dies of scarlet fever. Two years later, shortly after sending his wife and four daughters to Europe for a vacation where he would later join them, he receives a telegram from his wife that their ship had sunk en route and she alone was saved. Then, as he makes the mournful journey to Europe to join his wife, he writes this hymn.
HOW? How did he go from losing FIVE children to writing it was well with his soul? I’ve “only” lost two in the womb. My soul was not well.
By this point of my lamenting and processing, it was about three months since the miscarriage in November. I read the lyrics again. Stafford referenced the tragic loss of his daughters in the second line of the first verse. And that’s it. The rest of the verses have turned to matters of his spirit. His soul was well because Christ has shed His own blood for his helpless soul. His soul was well because ALL the darkness in his heart was nailed to the cross and he bears it no more. He may be assailed by doubts and fears and grief but he would not be overcome by it.
I realized then that God’s goodness and love was demonstrated in this singular act of taking all my dark thoughts/words/actions/inaction from the past, present and future upon Himself and paying my death penalty with His own blood. Stafford realized this, and despite his sorrow, he praised God. He would not drown in grief or anger or resentment because Christ defeated death already. His soul was free. And so was mine. Even if I didn’t feel it. Maybe Horatio didn’t feel it then either. But he knew it. Now I knew it too. THIS was the Giver’s ultimate gift: His love.
This is how Horatio Stafford could say, “It is well with my soul“.
This is how the Rend Collective could sing, “I’ll sing it in the darkness“.
This is how Hillary Scott could say, “Thy will be done“.
Yet…..
I didn’t feel satisfied.
My head knew the above to be true and right, but my heart wanted to FEEL loved. And I felt a little bad that this ultimate Gift of love didn’t seem sufficient. I felt like an entitled and ungrateful child. Which is probably the case. So I left it with God to deal with my heart.
INTJ Mommy 